dance dance revolution

I went to see the Spank Rock DJs recently with Brent and Marlo, and something became painfully obvious.

I don't know how to talk to strange women at dance clubs. (Not that I know how to talk to strange women at bars or bar mitzvahs or zoo bathrooms.)

I was having a really good time, because they were super-fun DJs, but I couldn't have as good a time as I would've liked to have, because I couldn't talk to the women I wanted to talk to. And so it ended up being a little bit of a bummer in the end, a bit of wistfulness added to my raging hullabaloo.

So I started asking my female friends how to go pick up or at least talk to ladies at danceterias. Here's what they came up with:

1. Make sure there's no boyfriend around. Or wedding ring.

2. Make a lot of eye contact. Wait for them to return it. If they don't, move on. If they do…

3. Start dancing near them. See if they move away or turn away. If they don't…

4. Move in and dance closer. Do not touch, save for maybe a light hand on arm. If they still don't run away screaming …

5. Start talking to them. It'll probably be loud, so just ask them simple things. Like the quadratic equation. This is also a good time to find out if their boyfriend is in the bathroom or at home and very large. After a while, you can offer to get them a drink.

6. Sadly, I am not a smoker so I can't ask them outside to separate them from the herd. But I can steer them to the bar or drift away from the dance floor when I bring them their drink.

7. Ask them to have sex with you in the alley.

I haven't been out dancing since, so I haven't had time to try out their suggestions. But I was going to a party at Ideo tonight, and I figured I could apply the same techniques there.

Ideo is some kind of design firm or something, and they have cool parties where people drink and eat and look out over the bay while artists say inspiring things. Stallion was performing, which was inspiring in an '80s metal-loving magician way.

Well, I looked around the room and deck. It was mostly lesbians and architects. And Devil-ettes, out of uniform, and members of my softball team and their odd German co-workers. But I did find one woman I found very attractive. And I tried to make eye contact. Over and over. She seemed to be looking behind me at one point. That was the best I could do.

Then, some guy from 826 Valencia tried to get the crowd to make a story. It was kinda Dave Eggers-esque and kinda funny. So I waited around, looking to see if there was someone else to make eye contact with. I went outside. I came inside. I stood by the beer. Nothing.

Some lady started rambling about how the virtual world was better than the real world (duh!), and I began to fall asleep. I figured my prospects were bleak, so I'd best leave. Bryan the ex-softballer was standing next to me and I reached over to shake hands and say goodbye. And out of the corner of my eye I saw a woman, an attractive woman, looking right at me. And smiling. Not the "oh, you've got guacamole on your chin" smile; rather, the "hey, I've noticed you're cute and I'd actually like you to talk to me" smile. The smile I'd waited all night to see.

But it was like I was already engaged in an irreversible motion. I could not stop that hand from grabbing Bryan's and from the words "See ya" coming out of my mouth.

Maybe I should've jumped right into the bay afterwards. At least that would've been a memorable exit.